Favorite Golf Jokes
God’s greatest punishment!
A preacher who liked to play golf every Wednesday at a modest public golf course was standing on the elevated tee at the sixth hole of that course. He took a few practice swings, and looked across the river to the immaculate private country club nearby.
"Just once I'd like to play at that gorgeous course," the preacher said to his foursome.
Another player spoke up: "My company has a reserved tee time at that club for us every Sunday morning, and it's all paid for, too. But all of a sudden yesterday the boss says we have to travel out of town for a week. It's a shame to let that tee time go to waste. I could give you a guest pass and you could have it all to yourself. Would do you say?"
Of course this was a dream come true for the preacher, but it put him in a terrible predicament. If he accepted the gift, he would have to miss Sunday worship. He thought to himself, "I haven't missed a Sunday service in 17 years of preaching. A sin to be sure, but I am after all just a man trying to do my best like all the rest." He succumbed to temptation and accepted the invitation.
On Sunday, the preacher awoke, called his head of deacons, and said, "I'm terribly sick today, and will not be able to offer service."
"Well, we surely hope you are feeling better soon," said the deacon. "What matters most it that your health is blessed, and we shall all pray for you today."
This made the preacher feel a little guilty, but it was a beautiful clear cool morning, and promised to be a beautiful day. He opened a box from under the bed that had a new folded golf shirt, his cleaned and polished golf shoes, and he put them on instead of his usual clothes.
Later, on the beautiful practice green, the preacher fit right in but couldn't help feeling conspicuous. At that exact moment up in Heaven, Saint Peter was looking down. He said to God, "Do you see what is happening down there? I'm very disappointed in this preacher. Surely you are going to do something?"
God replied, "Don't worry Pete, I've got it all figured out."
St. Pete knew it was best not to question any further, but to just wait patiently and watch for it all to play out. He watched the preacher walk confidently to the first tee, a short par-4. The preacher teed it up, and hit a pretty fair drive, low and straight.
But just then, God waived his hand and created the perfect little wind. The wind carried the ball as if in the hand of God and lifted it down the fairway. The ball took once bounce and landed on the green, kept rolling, swung to the right, barely crept up to the hole, and fell in. It was beautiful.
Up in heaven, St. Pete was very upset. "An albatross! Are you kidding me? Here is one of our own preachers committing this sin, on a Sunday no less. Just when I'm certain that you are going to offer up the perfect punishment to befit the sin, you instead go and reward him with a once-in-a-lifetime shot?"
God says, "Yes, but calm down Pete. Who is he going to tell?"
It’s all about priorities !
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls".
It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?
Nobody likes a cheater!
Lee and Gary head out to the golf course for a quick nine holes. On the first tee, Lee turns to Gary and says, "What do you say we make this time worth something. Play you for $5?" Gary agrees, and they start their rounds.
It's a great game, and the two lifelong friends reach the No. 9 tee box with Gary ahead by one stroke. After Lee hits a great drive, right down the middle, Gary steps up and promptly hooks a ball into deep rough and trees.
"C'mon," Gary says to Lee, "help me find my ball. I'll look in this patch of trees, and you look around over there."
They look and look and look, but no ball can be found. The five-minute time limit on searching for lost balls is about to run out. Gary gets desperate. He gives a quick glance over to Lee to see if he is looking, then swiftly reaches into his pocket and drops a new ball into the rough.
"Found my ball!" Gary shouts out triumphantly.
Lee looks at his friend with great disappointment. "After all the years we've been friends," Lee says, "you'd cheat me at golf for a measly five bucks?"
"What do you mean cheat?" Gary asks indignantly. "I found my ball sitting right here!"
Lee lets out a heavy sigh. "And you'd lie to me, too? All for a tiny little sum of money? You'd cheat me and lie to me, for what? For five bucks? I can't believe you'd stoop so low."
"Well what makes you so sure I'm cheating and lying, anyway?" Gary asks.
"Because," Lee replies, "I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"
Till death do us part!
Four golfers who like to gamble wind up in the same foursome. The pot built throughout the day until they reached the 18th green, where Charlie now has a chance to putt for dough. If he makes his 10-foot putt, he wins $200.
Charlie lines up his putt, but just as he's about to take his stance, a funeral procession begins passing by on the road that runs alongside the 18th hole.
Charlie steps away from his ball, sets down his putter, takes off his hat and places it over his heart, and waits for the funeral procession to completely pass. Once all the cars in the funeral procession have passed, Charlie picks up his putter and begins lining up the putt again.
"Wow," one of his opponents says. "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. You've got a makeable putt for $200, yet you stopped and paid your respects. You really are something."
"Well," Charlie says, "we were married for 25 years."
______________________________________________________________________A tough shot!
James and his friend Tom were playing a round of golf with their wives early on a Sunday. It was a four ball, better ball format with a little bit of cash on the line.
James stood on the 10th tee having hooked his previous three tee shots, and to no one's surprise he hooked his drive again. When he found his ball, it was right up against one of the greenskeepers buildings. His wife advised him to hit the shot through a narrow gap between the side of the small building and some branches.
"I can't do that," James said. "Look how narrow that gap is!" But his wife was persistent in urging him on, and she persuaded James to attempt the risky shot.
So James took a mighty swing and struck the ball ... it caromed off a tree branch, ricocheted off the building and hit his wife in the head, knocking her stone cold dead.
A week after the funeral, James and another friend, Ashley, were having a round. James teed up the ball on No. 10 and hit the exact shot he had hit a week before. He found his ball in the same spot, and once again his partner advised him to hit through the gap.
"No way," James said. "I can't hit that shot."
"Why not?" Ashley asked him.
"Well," James replied, "you know what happened last time."
"No, I don't," said Ashley. "What happened?"
"Well, last time I tried that shot," James said, "I made a double bogey!"
Chuck was a popular member at the golf club, but he just finished up a terrible round of golf and wasn't in a mood to visit the clubhouse after walking off the 18th green. So he headed straight out to the parking lot and started changing his shoes.
Just as he was closing the trunk of his car, a police officer spotted him. The policeman, stern-faced, walked over to Chuck and asked, ""Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about thirty minutes ago?"
"Yes," Chuck replied, "yes I did. Is something wrong, officer?"
"Did you happen to hook your tee shot?" the policeman asked.
"Yes, I did," replied Chuck.
"Did your ball fly over the trees and off the course?" the policeman asked.
"Why, yes, it did," said Chuck. "Why are you asking me these questions?"
The police officer replied in a very serious and stern manner: "Your ball, sir, flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. That driver's car went out of control and spun into a guard rail, where five other cars hit it. Then a fire truck, that was racing to a fire, smashed into the pileup!"
The policeman's voice was rising with consternation. "The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down! All that because you hooked a tee shot!"
The policeman was red-faced, and he paused to catch his breath. "What do you think you should do about all this?" he finally asked Chuck.
Chuck was a sensitive man and an upstanding citizen. He thought it over for minute, then replied.
"Well," Chuck said, "I think I'll try opening my stance a little."